It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's never too late to be topless.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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