The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
