I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
