We won't sleep together?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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