she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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