Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
