woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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