My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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