is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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