Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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