Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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