my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
