Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
