He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
