I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
