Girls should come with a carfax report
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
