i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
