Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
