dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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