i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
