toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She said her name was "party"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.