I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
