I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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