first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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