Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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