I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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