M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
