people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
