My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
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We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize