Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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