Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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