just come out here and I will go home with you...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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