I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
