I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
