Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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