Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
