I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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