4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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