So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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