So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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