I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
