I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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