ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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