I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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