I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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