okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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