we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
