I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
