I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
