I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
