I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
