im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
