Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
