Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
