I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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