Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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