you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.