dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.