I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
