marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
