That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There's always time for handjobs
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
