the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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