Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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